Last night was a night with my boyfriend and at first it seemed like it might not even happen. I was missing him badly so when he had to stay later than normal at work I got pretty upset. He didn't know if he could make it to dinner and there I was cooking and looking forward to seeing him.
I needed a time out. I had to just go to my room and sulk for a minute. I really don't mind letting my sadness take over for a minute, letting a few tears out then sigh and move on. My boyfriend on the other hand doesn't like for me to get myself down and would rather see me pick myself up and keep going. "Mind over matter."
I can't really say which is better. It could just be one of those things that one way is better for some people and the other is better for other people.
By the time dinner was almost done cooking he said he would be to my house by 8pm. Which is an hour later than I had planned but I'd rather that than not to see him at all. I waited and we had dinner together.
When we were done with dinner we went to lay down and we were talking about the difference between me being a good girlfriend and me being a good submissive. In my opinion I thought I am just a good girlfriend that is submissive.
I felt like I was being a disappointment. I felt like what he was saying was that there were times he wanted me to be his submissive and I was just being his girlfriend. I was confused. How was I supposed to know? When do I just be a girlfriend? And when do I just be a submissive?
I almost need like a key word. I need like an on and off switch. I could hear that voice in my head coming. It was telling me I'm not what he wants. Ugh! I was doing so well! I hadn't heard that stupid thought in so long!! And here it was coming to try and ruin my night.
Then he started questioning the collar he planned to reward me with. Which made me so very sad. He was saying he was taking it too seriously. Does that mean he felt I wasn't taking it seriously? Then he asked me what I thought it meant and when I told him I felt like my answer wasn't good enough. Then at that moment clear as day the thought came. You're not what he wants."
Let me pause for minute to tell you about my collar and my rewards. First, you should know that Sir "rewards me" rather than "gives me gifts." if I'm a good girl than I get rewards. My reward is first knowing that I'm pleasing him and making him happy but also he might reward me with a new toy in the bedroom or a gift or if we go on a trip. The collar he recently ordered for me is a reward and it's not just for me it's for him as well. Ok back to the night.
I took my time out. I sat in my bathroom and let a few tears slip out. Sighed a couple times and just took a few breathes. Then I went back to my room and back to him.
When I got back he was looking up the meaning behind the collar. He had me read the description and I felt like I understood the meaning behind it and that I liked the meaning. The collar is a symbol. In my own words it means I'm his completely and I like that. The collar has a lock on it and the lock comes with a key. We decided that the first rule of the collar is that only he can put it on and take it off of me. I'll have to ask to be collared and he'll decide how I must ask.
We talked more and we clarified things that were apparently being confused by the both of us and I'm glad we talked and that we are happy and that he left on a good note. I needed that. We needed that.
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