HALLOWEEN! Ok..Just had to get the excitement out

I love to make Halloween a big deal. Likely because everyone else makes Christmas such a big deal that I just need my own holiday like its all mine to make a fuss over.

I'm almost done with my costume and only have two more accessories to buy for it. I'm already planning a Halloween party and know what cute Halloween themed treats I'm going to make.

I got lucky when it came to my friends because they like it almost as much as I do :) All of our costumes are going on the same things and they're helping with the party and making Halloween themed treats too.

Even Master seems into it but he hasn't chosen a costume yet. Still deciding between a few ideas. I'm pretty sure he's staying in town for Halloween, not sure if he has decided yet. I'll have to ask because of course I'd love for us to have our first Halloween together.

I'm just excited for it all pumpkin patches, haunted houses, carving pumpkins, pumpkin seeds, treats, parties and of course trick or treating.
I've even already started dreaming about it. Just a month from now I'll have to get Halloween nails too :)

When I'm at My Happiest

      As my assigned blog post for this week Sir has asked me to post about what makes me the happiest during the week. When he said this all these things immediately came rushing to my mind. And this week so far has been pretty great so that also makes writing this post so much easier and actually so much harder. I wont make this post about one thing that makes me the happiest. No way I could pin point it down to one single thing! some things may make me happier than others but I really feel that all these things combined happening throughout the week is what makes it a great week.

     These are not in any kind of order just know that they are happy moments throughout my week that make me feel like the happiest luckiest girl! Which I am and I need to remember more often.

• Waking up to texts messages from Sir.
• Warming my feet under my puppy dog's butt when I'm in bed.
• When I finish a book and just sit back for a moment to really think about it.
• When my friend says, "You're so cool." and means it.
• When I get to spend time with my family.
• When Sir kisses me on my forehead or the tip of my nose.
• When I can sit in my Master's lap or lay my head on his chest and feel him breathing.
• When I'm dancing(In my kitchen for no reason, in a club, in my car, as my workout cool down to a great song.)
• When I'm explaining something and the person just gets it..
• When what I'm cooking turns out awesome.
• That extra 15mins I steal after I hit snooze.
• That very hot shower when I'm still sleepy in the morning.
• When Sir tells me I'm beautiful and something insides me moves because I know he means it.
• When old friends, new friends, family members or my little sister texts me for no reason at all.
• When my Step-dad checks on me before bed.
• When my mother offers to make me a meal.
• When Sir wants to take me on a date or even just see me in general or says, "I miss you" when he wont be seeing me.
• Waking up next to my handsome boyfriend and getting closer to his warm body.
• When my puppy dog greets me at the door.
• When I find great ideas on Pinterest.
• Yelling at the TV with my friends.
• When I know I'm making my Master happy.
• When I know I'm making Sir happy.
• When I know I'm making my boyfriend happy.
• Planing fun things to do with Sir...and the sexy dirty things too.
• Wanting to get out of my bed and start my day.

     It's all these things and more that happen everyday that make me laugh and smile and just feel genuinely happy. Sometimes things get in the way and I can't see the good things or maybe I just don't want to. I think I'm getting better at it though and I think Sir is helping me with that. He's honestly the only person I'm letting close enough to me to help me. Everyone else just got the, "Yea I'm fine." That doesn't work with him.

     I am happy :) I'm happy with him and I'm happy with me. I'll deal withall that other crap as it comes.
    

Is it me? Is it you?

It's just you. It's not this collar around my neck. It's not the rules. It's not the rough sex. The vanilla sex. It's not the control or the commands.

Don't tell me I can find someone else.

It's your eyes when I look up and you're on top of me. It's your hands when you have the wrapped around my throat, running across my thighs or just holding my hand. It's you that makes me laugh and smile.

It's me. I feel happy. I feel smart. I feel beautiful. I trust. I care. I respect.

I've never given that to anyone else.

I've been selfish. I've been demanding. I've been controlling. I've been degrading. I've been disrespectful. I've been give me, give me. I've been take and never give.

I know what I want. I want BDSM, if it's with you. I want vanilla, if it's with you. I want today, if it's with you. I want a boyfriend, if that boyfriend is you.

I'm yours for as long as you'll keep me.

Your Beauty,
Your Girlfriend,
Your Best Friend,
Your Submissive,
Your Other Half,

We can decide together and just be us.

Beauty's Bedtime

One of the rules that my Master has implemented while publicly collared is that he sets my bedtime. At my set bedtime I must be in bed with phone on silent, lights out and laying down This is one of his rules that he uses to help me. I have terrible sleeping habits right now.

Even if I lay down at 9pm there are some nights where I won't fall asleep till well after 1am or even later. Some nights I'm able to fall asleep but then wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble falling back to sleep.

I'm hoping that Master's rule will help sort out my sleeping habits and that maybe the idea of pleasing him will help soothe me to sleep as well. I know one way that it will help is the no cell phone rule. Some nights that I couldn't sleep I would just go on Facebook or Pinterest or anything. Since I'm not allowed I think I'll try harder to calm my mind and sleep.

I'm happy he makes rules that benefit me and my health. It really shows me that he cares about every aspect. Better sleeping habits will halp me to be healthier and happier which is what we both want for me. So far bedtime has been midnight and once at 11pm.

He has mentioned that an earlier bedtime could be issued as a form of punishment for misbehavior. I can imagine that being sent to be at 8 or 9pm would definitely feel like a punishment. Especially if I know he's awake a wont be going to sleep till several hours later.

Tonight's bedtime is midnight so I have an hour left to blog and read before bed. Good night :)

Getting My Collar Back

      When Master first said he wanted to give me back my collar I was a little hesitant. When he told me he was going to put it back on me the first time it was Friday night. I told him we really didn't talk about it and that's why I didn't want it back. I didn't want him to give it back and then have us run into the same issue again. We talked about it some and I told him how I felt when he had told me to take it off. By the end of the conversation I felt we were at a stand still that we didn't agree.

     I'm not even sure how but we got into something completely different and I felt like he was telling me I didn't see us having a future. Which is all wrong! Then when I started talking about how I saw our future I realized we didn't agree on what I thought was a big part of my future. It really bothered me but I didn't want to continue to get upset and emotional so I let it go.

     I spent an unplanned night with Sir and a good day with him. We went to a Halloween store and to a shop to get a new addition on his car. I went home after and got ready to go out that night with him for a friends birthday. We had a great night out and on the way home he stopped in a parking lot and we christened his car ;) Before we drove back to my house he collared me again and I am so happy to have it on again!

    

I Only Made it One Day?

     I was just uncollared[Insert sad face here]. I just spoke my mind. Sir reminded me twice when I didn't say Sir or master to him in a text that I should be saying it. The first time I didn't I agree I should have used Sir or Master when answering him because we were talking about rules and I should have addressed him that way.

     The second time however I don't feel I should be made to say it because I was addressing him as my boyfriend.  I was upset and not feeling well and I just needed a minute to fall back on him. Even if it was just digitally(Through a Text). I know that it isn't fair for me to think that he can read my mind but even after I explained how I was feeling to him he told me to take off my collar.

     I got upset. I felt like I was being punished. When I told him this he said that we didn't agree on what being collared meant so that's why he was having me take it off. I wasn't being understanding I was just grumpy. I felt like well if you want me to address you as Sir then go ahead and just make it a rule. I told him this and he told me he was not going to make a rule.

     I felt very rebellious the rest of the day! I felt like I was throwing a temper tantrum at first. Like ugh fine! I'm being more reasonable now and seeing it his way. I'll wait till we can talk it over and maybe he'll let me put it back on. He's told me to bring it with me when I go to his house and I'm sitting here hoping that he hasn't told me to bring it because he plans on taking it away from me.

Sometimes People Change

     I got to go and spend time with my younger sister tonight. I don't see her often even though she lives just fifteen minutes down the road. I went to her house for dinner and to spend time with her instead of going out to get sushi with her. Not sure if I mentioned but she bailed on me the last time we had plans together and I was all bummed out by it. I'm glad I actually got to see her this time around.

     She lives in a cute town house with I'm not really sure how many roommates but def more than there are beds in the house! lol I told Sir in a text that I feel a little out of my league around her. I guess I'm getting older and can't hang with the cool kids anymore. I am happy to see her happy and settled into her new place she does look healthier too although I'm sure how much longer her liver will hold out!

     I really do love her though even if she seems like a different person now. Into different things living out on her own now. I hope I get to spend more time with her. I made it home in time to make it in bed in time for my first night with an appointed bedtime.

The Night I was Collared

     Master took me on a date last night. We got dinner and went for a walk along the beach. Then he had me close my eyes and gave me a very big surprise. My Collar! I honestly didn't think he would collar me so soon. It was exciting and gave me butterflies in my tummy! I'm happy to be wearing his collar and to be(secretly) showing the world that I am his!

     It fits perfectly and he even thought so himself. I love the look of it, the feel of it and especially the meaning behind it. Today is the first day following the rules of the private collar and I feel good about them. I'm not nervous or seconds guessing myself like I felt the first time we tried to implement rules. I'm still myself and I feel like he's still being himself as well. I'm happy because that's what I wanted.

Something for my Master

     Last night I gave my Master a packet. A "gift" if you will, that I wanted him to have before he collared me. The gift was a manilla envelope with four diffent things for him. The first was a writing of my own that I did for him. This is the writing.



Take Me

Take me under the moon, lay me in the grass.

Take me by my throat; lead me to your bed.

Take me out tonight, show me off.

Take me on a walk, even if it’s raining.

Take me over your knee, make me follow the rules.

Take me to a secret place, kiss me on the lips.

Take me to your bed side; bind me with your rope.

Take me far away, give me an adventure.

Take me in your arms, let me breathe you in.

Take me over, over take me.

Take me.

I’m yours.

     As I watched his eyes skim back and forth across the page and the smile spread over his face as he read it I could feel the happiness rising up inside me. I really do love seeing him so happy, but especially when it's because of me. I'm selfish in that way.

     The second thing in the envelope was a certificate stating that I was now a registered collared submissive and I was registered as being owned by him. The third was my hard and soft limits list that he has been asking for in writing for a little while now. The last thing in the envelope was a list of BDSM acts and my ratings on my likings of them.

     Later that night we went over the list and discussed several of the things on their. Master thanked me for being honest. I was happy to hear that because it really makes me feel like he has an interest in knowing how I feel even if he is the final say. Master even said he wants to put my writing up on the Fetlife page he has made for us. I'm so happy that he likes it enough to post it.



What Being a Submissive means to me

What being a Submissive means to me?

     Being a submissive to my Master means I have found this trust worthy man who is about to give me exactly what I’ve been looking for in a relationship. I’ve been craving someone I can respect and adore, a man that I can have control me in certain areas of my life and hold me accountable when I don’t always get it right.

    

     As a submissive I will let go and let him have control. I find fulfillment when I know what he expects from me and I am able to please him.  I will show respect and adoration. I will consider him first and trust that he will always have my best interest in mind.  As a submissive I will be open and honest with my Master.  I know that he will care for me and protect me because I know how strong and caring he is.

     To be my Master’s submissive means I am willingly giving myself over to him because it makes me happy and gives me pleasure to have his authority over me.  I have this need this instilled desire within me to give myself over to him. It is only the way I was raised as an “Independent woman” that rises in me at times, telling me, “this is silly.” I know when I’m broken of that is when I will be happiest.

     It’s when his hand is wrapped around my throat or the idea of a new rule brings a smile to my face that I’m reminded of how much I want this. It’s watching him listen to my ideas and my concerns about our BDSM lifestyle that shows me how right he is for me.  I’ve heard him say before that he can’t be my master but when we both talk and figure this all out I see it. I see us together with me as his submissive kneeling before him and I look up and I smile because I am happy this way and because I’m pleasing to him.

                 I know being a submissive will be a learning and growing process for me everyday.

My Public Collar and What it Means to Me

     My Master got me my public collar! Isn't it perfect?? It is! I'm so excited to feel it around my neck and know that I am his :)

What Being Collared Means to me?

                The collar is a symbol and a reminder that I am my Master’s in every aspect.  He has the control and that thought makes my heart smile. The collar means trust, it means that I have complete trust in my master and that he trust me to be his collared submissive.  He trust me to respect him and myself.

               

                Accepting the collar from my Master is accepting a commitment and agreeing to work toward the happiness we both want in our BDSM relationship.  It makes me very happy that my Master would even consider giving me a collar. I am excited and honored to be rewarded this way. It feels like such a big step in the right direction and I honestly wasn’t going to tell this but I even sort of, kind of, maybe…ok I did!! I teared up when he sent me the picture of my collar.

                I imagine myself standing in the mirror and a smile will spread across my face as I am reminded that my Master gave me that collar with a set of rules to control me and to better me. I’m so eager that I’m becoming impatient. I want us to talk about the rules and what it means for Master to collar me because I know that once he does I’ll feel so full and complete and just…idk, owned.

The collar will be a whisper from his mouth to my ear. “You are mine.”  When he sees the collar around my neck it’ll be a whisper from my lips to his ears. “I am yours.”

I Can't Sleep

I don't know what it is lately but I'm finding it impossible to sleep. I lay here and toss and turn(that sounds familiar). I know I've written about this somewhat before but I now have a new concern.

Sir and I discussed new rules this weekend. My public collar is on order and we are placing rules for when I am publicly collared and not with him. One of those rules is that he will decide on a bedtime for me. I need this and I know he is doing it for my health and well being.

I love thinking that he area about me to make rules that will better me. I know that the times will be midnight or earlier and as a punishment it could even be as early as 8pm. If I can't fall asleep now while I feel tired what am I going to do when I have rules?

I'm thinking I may need to start getting up earlier, exercising more, spending time outside, taking a bath... Something to get into a better sleeping habit. If I start now it will be easier when I am collard. This way I can follow this rule and be pleasing to Sir. I'll share our public and private collar rules soon. Right now I need to get to sleep.

Bring me back...

I just made a date with my sister and I had lunch with my best friend today.

I can literally feel the happiness churning in my tummy. Lol I'm such a dork. Even though lunch was just a pb&j sandwich for her and an almond butter with bananas for me. It was great to just sit on her couch and talk and not be there for any other reason but because we're friend's.

I see her at least twice a week and for some reason I get this I miss her feeling still. Is something missing? Or is it just my blah ness rising up and causing silly thoughts. Likely the second reasoning but today I feel great and connected so I don't care about that silly blahness.

Tomorrow I even get a sushi date night with my younger sister! So day two of happy me is on the way. I miss her so much I keep having Parts of dreams where she just walks by in the back as I talk to someone. The person I'm talking to in the dream is always different but she's just there in the back walking by. Weird. I know.

Sushi date tomorrow and she'll be the one I'm talking too while the rest of the world walks by. Perfect.

Did You Miss Me?

Ok! So it was only a few days. The weekend is over now and I'm back to writing.

I had a good weekend :) How was yours?? Thursday night watched the VMA's with friends and made an eat clean dessert. Had another short day at my Friday job and went out with Sir to have a few drinks.

I found a dog sitter so I was able to stay the night with him. Which made me very happy! When we got back from the bar we had some pretty easy going vanilla sex...I know right?! Lol... And it was great and I think we're at this point where we're so wrapped up in each other that kissing and hugging and touching and sex in any form is great.

We slept in late which felt good an made breakfast together. Then went and saw Premium Rush which we both thought was a pretty good movie.

I went home after diner together and rested some and picked out a few outfit choices for Sir to choose from. We also did this Friday night. I like when he chooses what he'd like me to wear when I'm out with him. And so far most of the time I'm happy with his decision only once would I have preferred another outfit over the one he chose. I've heard that some Dom's pick out every outfit for their Sub's but I'm happy with just starting here to get my feet wet.

Saturday night we went downtown to a new place and then to the regular place we normally end up. I had a lot of fun. We drank and danced and just enjoyed each other. When it came time to leave Sir asked if I wanted to stay there while he went to go get a slice of pizza and I didn't like the option of being left there without him.

He also mentioned that he didn't like that I was talking so much with his friends which he later attributed to jealousy. I'd hate to think I'm doing something wrong and he assured me I didn't so I have to trust that he's telling me how he feels and that I'm really not doing anything wrong.

It's hard for me to bounce back after some feelings of being down and it's just the opposite for him. When we got back to his house I was ready to bounce back just yet and it brought up a question which led to a very personal conversation that I can't say I didn't see coming just couldn't have guessed it'd be that night.

I feel like its impossible to comfort me sometimes and he did such a great job that night. He makes me so happy!

I got back home really late that night and slept half of Sunday away. Sunday afternoon was pretty lazy and kinda perfect. Then I went with Sir to have dinner at his Father's who took my eat habits into consideration(So sweet!).

Sir and I also talked a lot about rules and what times and to what degree our BDSM lifestyle is appropriate this weekend. We cleared a lot of confusion up! When I'm very very happy about! I'll be sure to tell you all about it.

A Bad Night, A Good Night, A Great Night

Last night was a night with my boyfriend and at first it seemed like it might not even happen. I was missing him badly so when he had to stay later than normal at work I got pretty upset. He didn't know if he could make it to dinner and there I was cooking and looking forward to seeing him.

I needed a time out. I had to just go to my room and sulk for a minute. I really don't mind letting my sadness take over for a minute, letting a few tears out then sigh and move on. My boyfriend on the other hand doesn't like for me to get myself down and would rather see me pick myself up and keep going. "Mind over matter."

I can't really say which is better. It could just be one of those things that one way is better for some people and the other is better for other people.

By the time dinner was almost done cooking he said he would be to my house by 8pm. Which is an hour later than I had planned but I'd rather that than not to see him at all. I waited and we had dinner together.

When we were done with dinner we went to lay down and we were talking about the difference between me being a good girlfriend and me being a good submissive. In my opinion I thought I am just a good girlfriend that is submissive.

I felt like I was being a disappointment. I felt like what he was saying was that there were times he wanted me to be his submissive and I was just being his girlfriend. I was confused. How was I supposed to know? When do I just be a girlfriend? And when do I just be a submissive?

I almost need like a key word. I need like an on and off switch. I could hear that voice in my head coming. It was telling me I'm not what he wants. Ugh! I was doing so well! I hadn't heard that stupid thought in so long!! And here it was coming to try and ruin my night.

Then he started questioning the collar he planned to reward me with. Which made me so very sad. He was saying he was taking it too seriously. Does that mean he felt I wasn't taking it seriously? Then he asked me what I thought it meant and when I told him I felt like my answer wasn't good enough. Then at that moment clear as day the thought came. You're not what he wants."

Let me pause for minute to tell you about my collar and my rewards. First, you should know that Sir "rewards me" rather than "gives me gifts." if I'm a good girl than I get rewards. My reward is first knowing that I'm pleasing him and making him happy but also he might reward me with a new toy in the bedroom or a gift or if we go on a trip. The collar he recently ordered for me is a reward and it's not just for me it's for him as well. Ok back to the night.

I took my time out. I sat in my bathroom and let a few tears slip out. Sighed a couple times and just took a few breathes. Then I went back to my room and back to him.

When I got back he was looking up the meaning behind the collar. He had me read the description and I felt like I understood the meaning behind it and that I liked the meaning. The collar is a symbol. In my own words it means I'm his completely and I like that. The collar has a lock on it and the lock comes with a key. We decided that the first rule of the collar is that only he can put it on and take it off of me. I'll have to ask to be collared and he'll decide how I must ask.

We talked more and we clarified things that were apparently being confused by the both of us and I'm glad we talked and that we are happy and that he left on a good note. I needed that. We needed that.

Busy Day, Date Night

Had my alarm set so I could wake up and get things done today. That didn't really happen because when I woke up I had this terrible headache. Which I'm guessing is the result of a crappy night of sleep.

I just laid there thinking about everything and nothing, tossing and turning causing me to get all tangled up in my sheets. Here are some of the normal and random thoughts that plagued me while I did not sleep.
-How can I do my hair like Aria from PLL.
-We never got a friend for Ultra while on vacation.
-Wonder what the name of that song was I heard on my way home.
-When was the last time I talked to my sister.
-I can't believe people still want music from Lil Wayne.
-Wonder if Murphy will sleep through the night.
-Wonder if Sir's new rope techniques will hurt my neck.
-Is my step dad done with his laundry.
-Will the muffins I make turn out good.
-Do I have all the ingredients to make dinner for tomorrow night.
-WHY CAN'T I FALL ASLEEP.
-Etc.

Stupid stuff that does not need to be thought of when I should be sleeping. That is why I woke up with a terrible headache and had to sleep an extra hour than I had planned.

I did manage to get most of what I wanted to do done. I also found out that I will be leaving my Wednesday job early which is good because I can finish cleaning before dinner with my family and Sir(That's my nickname for my boyfriend both in and out of the bedroom). Leaving early is also bad though considering I get paid hourly.

I'm excited for tonight mostly because I'm happy to see Sir but also because I like that him and my family spend time together. We had a conversation last week about things my parents say sometimes and it caused Sir to say that my parents don't like him. The thought made me upset and to the point of tears. All I could think about is certain couples I know whose parents really don't like their significant other and it seems like a really miserable situation.

He said he didn't mean what he had said and I hope that's true. I'd hate for him to feel that way or to not share his feelings about it just because he saw it made me upset.

I know that when it comes down to it all that really matters is that I'm happy with him and how I feel. It doesn't mean for a minute that I don't want my friends and family to like him too though. All part of my white picket fence fantasy.

Our Time Apart

Sometimes I wonder about the way other relationships work. How they might be similar or different from ours.

Tuesday and Thursdays my boyfriend has an evening class he attends at the gym and normally on Tuesday nights I have PLL to watch. These are our two days during the week we spend apart. I take these evenings to spend time with my friends and help my mom with different things.

So I caught myself wondering how often other couples spend time together or apart. Is it a normal thing to always want to be around your significant other? Is that how everyone feels? Are we in the whole puppy love stage still?

We actually just went away with each other for the labor day weekend and we really grew much closer over the trip and even though we had all that time together it's almost like it made me miss him more on our day apart.

Tomorrow I'll see him in the evening though and that makes me happy. We have plans to have dinner with my family and take a walk on the beach. I'm happy to say I'm getting better at making plans in advanced with him. This helps because then he can actually come and I won't be left disappointed.

I seem to be someone who can make last minute hangout plans. It's almost like that's how all my plan with friends work out, so it took me a little bit to realize that not everyone(including my boyfriend) works that way.

We've been teasing each other with texts and pictures and ideas for the bedroom today and I think it's more apparent to me just because at the moment we're take a sex break.

I recently injured my neck which rules out roughness and choking during sex and he has a tear in the skin at the top of his penis which also rules out roughness and other things during sex. We'll both be very excited to get back to our normal sex habits once we're both 100% again. I guess you could look at it as an "Absence make the heart grow fonder" experience.

Until then dirty pictures and fantasies of my handsome prince are all I need ;)

This is for Me, You & Him

     This is my blog about me and for me.

This is my blog for you, the curious reader.

This is my blog for him, the ever inquiring mind of my boyfriend.

     This may have been my boyfriend's idea for me to keep a blog, but the truth is I'm the definition of a social media butterfly. I have already downloaded the blogger App to my phone with the idea of being able to blog about anything at a moments notice.

     It's so easy for me to write it all out in little blurts and share experiences with the world and yet at times not so easy when asked in a more direct fashion. "Hey, how was your experience?" Then of course I would say, "Ummm...awesome." They want to know why! They want to know what you were thinking. How you were feeling. Did your heart race? Did you smile? Did you jump for joy or slouch back?

     So, that is what I will do!

     I also feel like my boyfriend and I share a different kind of relationship than most couples and I want to share that too. I'm letting myself open up and I'm letting you and him into my thoughts, fears, excitements and everything along with it. I wont put a label on our relationship because for my boyfriend and I it's about what we like and what makes us happy. The only reason we think it's a little different is because we've read reviews and blogs and all different things where some people may call us vanilla and others may call us BDSM.

     Our relationship doesn't only take place behind the locked door of his bedroom though, it's real and we share a lot more than that. Which means my blog will be about that too. It'll be about dates, and dinners with family, text messages, friends, and even fights.

     My blog will also of course be about me. I'm pretty normal yet extraordinary and you should know that too :)